This is not exactly my typical type of post, but I needed to get something off my chest. That’s what blogging is about, right?
Today marked a milestone in my life as a mother. Nope, not a tooth or a first food. Not a birthday or a first step. Not a smile or a word.
Today was the first time I experienced extreme judgement from a complete stranger, all because of the actions of a child.
It’s Friday afternoon and a dear friend and I got together for lunch. It’s dreary, it’s January. It’s miserable. We had both had tough weeks with our little ones. We enjoyed coffee and a chat and fed our babies lunch. Words such as “we’re surviving” and “its fine” came up. It was refreshing to get together and discuss the good, bad and ugly. And besides, we made it to Friday, so it can’t be all that bad, right?
As we started packing up to go, my friends’ little one starting fussing. The fussing turned into crying, and by the time he was strapped into his stroller, the crying had escalated into full-on screaming.
We soldier on and make a hasty dash towards the exit. We are both holding our breath as we take those last few steps to the freedom of open air where the screams don’t seem quite as loud.
And at that very moment, that “I-just-need-to-make-it-to-the-door” final push, a miserable-looking woman stares my friend straight in the eye and says:
“You’re a terrible mother. You should have never had children. My children never cried like that”.
You’re. A. Terrible. Mother.
Read that sentence one more time. Do it.
It took every ounce of self-restraint in me to not march back in there, stand up for my friend, and retaliate. But do you know what? It wouldn’t have made any difference. That woman had made her judgement as soon as that little guy started crying, and no explanation or reasoning would have changed her mind.
So what is it that makes a mother so terrible that a complete stranger would feel compelled to say such a thing?
I don’t have the answer. But I do know that I’ve been thinking a lot about this recently, especially as I round the bend of my maternity leave. My days are filled with researching full time childcare options for my son.
I’m leaving my son in the care of someone else, 5 days a week, so that I can further my career.
Does that make me a terrible mother?
My husband and I had our first overnight away from our son in December. It was a big milestone for us, for our son, and for nana and papa who looked after him. Many friends suggested that I “try not to miss him too much”.
I didn’t miss him. I enjoyed every minute of it and look forward to booking the next night away.
Does that make me a terrible mother?
We made the decision to sleep train. Early. Like, before 3 months old, early. Our son has slept soundly for 12 hours a night since he was 3 months old. He has slept in his crib in the nursery starting at week 2.
Does that make me a terrible mother?
I let him fall. I let him shove too much food in his mouth. I had to perform the Heimlich maneuver a few weeks ago because of said food. I let anyone and everyone hold him. I don’t pick him up as soon as he cries. I breastfeed him pretty much anywhere. I let him watch TV and play with my iPhone. I started him on solids at four months old. I give him baby formula rather than breast milk when I go out because I am sick of pumping. I throw my hands up in the air in the middle of Starbucks and proclaim: “I have no idea why you are crying!!!”
Does that make me a terrible mother?
NO.
I am a GOOD mother. I am AMAZING mother. I am SUPER-FRICKIN-woman. And I will remind myself of this every. single. day.
Every day that my son looks at me with his huge smile and love in his eyes and I give him the same love back. That’s all it takes to be a good mother: love. Love is all you need.
So I challenge you: remind yourself how awesome you are. Look that screaming child of yours in the eye and tell him how much you love him. Look at your tear-streaked face in the mirror and tell yourself how amazing you are. Look at the other mothers in your community and tell them they are GOOD MOTHERS and that they are doing an AMAZING JOB.
Say those words to someone today. Because we don’t always know how long it takes for the sting of negative words to wear off.
YOU are an amazing mother. YOU are LOVED.
Photo Credit: Little SugarPlum Photography, Vancouver
happy healthy huggetts 
Beautiful! Although, I can’t believe someone would ever be that nasty to a mother holding a screaming child. So unnecessary. That must’ve hurt.
Yes, it did! You don’t want it to hurt, because the words of a stranger shouldn’t mean as much as the words from people you love….but they did.
Speaking from experience, hearing a complete stranger tell you what a great job you are doing (especially when they have just seen you deal with your child’s tantrum or a grumpy moment) is a feeling that gives you the energy to keep on going! i admire your restraint in not going back and talking with the lady with the inappropriate remarks. You probably would have found that she was having a “grumpy moment” herself, and perhaps lacked love in her life.
I’m with you… Go and tell some hard-working mommy what an amazing job she is doing… Especially if her child is having a moment! It takes a village, right!!!
Yes! Great point Lisa. Positive energy is so much more helpful than negative energy. It truly does take a village, and I am realizing that more and more every day. And it’s as much about the village that support the mother as it is about the one that supports the baby!
My mouth DROPPED. I cannot believe people think those thoughts let alone say those thoughts aloud. It’s too bad that the woman has that much judgement in her life.
That said, fantastic article.
Moms and dads who are the happiest and most honest versions of themselves tend to be pretty amazing parents. Nice, Melissa.
Thanks Jess. My mouth dropped too.
And you’re right: happiness is an epidemic!
I understand the vulnerability of being in a public place and your child has a meltdown or cries, etc. But….why does what a rude, and likely unbalanced, stranger, comments have to trigger a full-blown analysis of whether that bizarre comment has any merit or credibility? If you accidentally spilled a little milk on a fellow Starbucks customer and that person screamed out that you were a “careless jerk” would you analyze all the ways you are a generally careful person? I agree it would have been fruitless to confront the stranger especially since your child didn’t understand what has said (and even if she had….). Sorry that this happened!
Great point Deena. You’re right – the words of a stranger should NOT cause us to review every little thing and internalize their unsubstantiated comments…but unfortunately, this is exactly what happens! And loved ones tell you positive things, but those negative comments continue ringing in your head. It’s so sad, really.
Outrageous. I’ve been there, and though I’m finding my seven year old easy now, I remember those days, and every time I see a mother struggling to smile through the screams or the tantrum, I well up just seeing it and try to send her strength and a smile if I catch her eye. We’re all just doing our best and some days our best is better than other days, but it’s always everything we’ve got at the moment. I’m glad you came out of that stronger. I remember when my son was a toddler a random man watched me sticking firm to what I had told him as he kept challenging me, and this man actually approached me to tell me what a great job I was doing. I got to the car and cried – out of relief and exhaustion and the desire for his words to be true always – and I still remember that comment. It happened just once but left an impression. What a difference we can make by choosing to lift someone else up instead. From one amazing mother to another… xo